Not much going on today, just chillin with my youngest daughter watching Charmed DVDs, staring at my bedroom, wanting to get it rearranged and cleaned, but really not wanting to do it right now.  Selena is laying her outfit out for Wednesday , think she might be a little excited for St. Patty's Day?  She is excited for that and her birthday on the 30th, do you know how long I've been hearing the countdown for that day? Since Christmas was just barely over! Yep, seriously.

I've added quite a few Blogs to watch over there ~~> all cancer bloggers, mostly Colon Cancer related.  March is Colon Cancer Awareness month by the way, so wear your blue, post it on your facebooks, twitters, and myspace pages, remind people to get a colonoscopy, and forget that age 50 thing for that. I am 37, I've fought it since I was 32, age means crap...literally in this case! (haha, but no seriously, get the word out!)

So, upcoming plans for this month? Selena and I are going to Red Lobster for her birthday to have lunch, then I dunno what else. Loads of 4H stuff, next weekend is Emily's musical, the weekend after is Share the Fun, we have fundraisers to work, I have tons of cupcakes to make. So March is definately a month where I do not have time for these chemo/cancer side effects and bs! So take that Colon cancer, kiss my ass. This Erbitux is some nasty stuff, I itch, I hurt, the acne rash on my face is wonderfully better, BUT the cellulitis/cysts/infection or what the hell ever it is from it on my gut, arm and legs is so so, some is better, some getting there, almost out of antibiotic though, and I have an appointment at the oncologist soon, but I can't find my card. Gotta look later in my coat pocket, I found the appt card for my Wound Care Dr. for the suture mishap from the stomach tube, that's on March 22nd @ 1 p.m.

My son saw my stomach this weekend, and was mortified, my daughters will sit here and help me with the drainage and TMI alert, ALOt of stuff can drain it's this pus/blood stuff that is really gross. Luckily not much of that left in most of them, I've done well at removing it. It's funny the difference, I think my son is the one maybe I need to worry about more, yet he's the one with the most 'other family' support when it comes time for that, I am hoping beyond hope that I don't have to worry about it for another decade, I've been reading alot of blogs from other Stage 4 Survivors that have been here 5-10 more years once they hit stage 4, and I am hoping that I am as fortunate to add that much more time to my shelf life, just to see them all graduate from high school at this point would satisfy me, well let's adjust that, see them all hit 18 or 19 and be able to take care of themselves or at least be able to start, so I won't worry so much about leaving them young and unable to do what they need to do, or get where they need to be, because make no mistake that is my BIGGEST fear. That they won't have the support they need to get through school, to go to college, to follow their dreams, I know they won't without me here, because I didn't have that, I graduated high school, but never had any encouragement to follow my dreams, hell to even have any dreams for that matter, it didn't exist from my family. My sister can tell you the same thing. College was no option, not even discussed, my brother was signed out of school in 9th grade, and there is a ton of other examples I can make of WHY I do not want them left in my family's hands. And there really is no one else. My only option, should I not get to push a decade, is to hope for my oldest to turn 18 and maybe have her be Selena's Guardian, but, is that fair to her. I want them together, that's my issue, so then my only other possibility is my son's father and stepmom, and I am unsure about that too. If my grandmother wasn't 87 and in the shape she is in, she would be my definate choice. Then there's my Uncle and Aunt, and that's a no, they can't. And that's the end of the list. How did I even get here on this topic? Wow, that was some random babbling huh? Guess it's just some of those things on my mind some days. One of these days, I'll have to start working on my final wishes, what I want to happen at the end, I just can't get there, I've thought about it, believe me, when I was in the hospital in Jauary, all I thought about was what do I want? Burial? Cremation? Funeral, Viewing, Wake? I don't know, I hate fire that is the only thing I think I established, so although I like the idea of my kids having my ashes to spread somewhere...( I thought Ireland to spread some and then they could do what they like with the rest) , I don't like the thought of burning, even in death, so that is likely a no go. I dunno, still have to think on that, when it becomes  more neccessary, I'll give it more thought again. It just seems so morbid, and I think deep down that if I don't get all my ducks in a row, that I can keep that inevitability from coming to be? Who knows why my brain works the way it does? Now I've rambled onto another uncomfortable subject, maybe I better leave this where it stands before I think myself into a mood that is not conducive to staying positive.
Til tomorrow~
I'm still here!

Random Venting...

So, I was just doing my 'new rountine' over on my favorite site- 'Blog for a Cure', which consists of checking all the new posts since the day before since I wake up at 4 am every morning now, it's become  my daily thing. I read them ALL and try to either comment on them or send a cancer punch to the person's cancer. Or just 'like' their post if I have nothing to say, one I read this morning, got me thinking about one of my own pet peeves in dealing with this damn Cancer and being a 'patient' again as opposed to just a 'survivor', I'm both I guess, but here's my irritation, why, Why. WHY do friends, family, and acquaintances expect the patient to be the one to hold their hand and make them feel better? Why is it MY job to call and talk to you every day? Maybe I'm tired today...maybe I'm having pain, maybe I just don't like talking on the freaking phone (me- I HATE talking on the phone), maybe I'm doing something I like doing and don't have time to waste coddling someone else, like for instance, I am NOT going to commiserate with you because you had a flippin wart frozen off your lip and they didn't give you narcotic pain meds, nor will I feel sorry for you that the dentist only prescribed Ibuprofen to you after pulling a tooth that wasn't even infected. Sorry, wrong person to come to for sympathy. I had 2 tension sutures dug out of my gut that had ate there way into my flesh due to crappy medical care a few weeks ago with NOTHING but a washcloth given to me to squeeze, bite, whatever...I've had numerous surgeries the last few years, I have a rash from chemo that is extremely painful just moving certain ways or if anything touches it in places, so NO, sorry, I don't think I can simper with you and say ohhh poor baby about your stupid freakin wart, try having a softball size tumor removed with part of your colon or a small basketball sized one removed  with an ovary along with all your female organs, hell try giving birth to 3 kids that each weighed over 9 lbs, then get back to me about your pain.

That crap irks me, there are people out there much worse off than ME, so I don't whine, bitch or moan much about my issues/pain/illness, I vent occassionally, but mostly it's a " woke up at 4 am  with an OUCH again, took meds, time to blah blah blah..." type update, or as part of my status on Facebook...so when someone who has NOTHING wrong with them, whines about every little fart they make, I get very annoyed. And when people expect me to make them feel better about my health issues? Um that one is annoying too, it's NOT the patient's job to console everyone else around them. MY KIDS, yes indeed, but the rest of y'all are on your own and capable of finding your own way to deal. So this brings me to the post I read this morning...Actually, I am not even sure this is a legit story, because I find it hard to fathom in this day and age  and having had the crappy medical mishaps I've personally had so many of myself, that there is ANY dr out there who does not tell a patient, but tells her parents and husband that she has 6-8 weeks to live. I'm sorry, I just don't see it, maybe I'm wrong, but I know that my dr's are always very informative, yes, mine had to be asked to give me a damn time limit, because he doesn't like to do that, but he did it when I asked, he is wrong... (  ;)   ) but he told me single digit months when I asked him in January. There's just so much about the person that I was reading about that sounds kinda ehh...like is this even legit? The person blogging the story is her 'best friend' of 25 years talking about this woman with intestinal cancer (I assume she has colorectal like I do) and how her parents and her husband are bickering in front of her in her hospital room, how her husband is making her not take her pain meds like she is supposed to (though from what she types- I'm not sure that may not be a good call as it seems they have her doped up to an incoherent state?) I don't know, I read her latest post from last night and it made me think something was weird, so I went and read all the posts from this person, it just made me wonder if this person's story was true. I hate to think people fake these things, but, the reality is, they do, it's sad and I wouldn't want the Karma they rack up...but I know it's a fact, because I have a brother, who every time I've gotten sick, had a set back, etc, has come up with some new malady he is dying of, it's been AIDS a few times, a lesion on his liver, a lesion on his brain, that was in December. Then this last time, he had a wart on his lip and swore it was a tumor to my mom, who FALLS for all this bs...His only malady, is that he is a self medicating (insert alcoholoc) bipolar manic depressive, who has always had all the attention on him, so when anyone else is garnering any from him for any reason, it's time to come up with something else. When my sister and I were pregnant and had our kids, when I've been sick, he always comes up with something. He tried to blame a brain lesion on his mood swings, sorry buddy, you were like that at birth, you were BORN bipolar, You have not had a brain tumor for 31 years  making you nutty. That's just YOU. Personally, I'm sick of it, and I don't mince words, like I've told him the past 2 days, don't whine at me about your pain, I don't want to hear it, you know NOTHING about real pain, nor do you need narcotics for every twinge. You're just trying to self medicate, grow up and get some help. I have no help for you. Nor do I have any tolerance. This is one of the things I am eliminating from my life, I don't HAVE to deal with your bullshit, and I'm not going to.

Well, got that out, and oddly enough, now I am having some pain in my back lol. Ah, well, it'll go away in a bit.
~Gwen