Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Life is never boring when you're living it...

that popped it my head today while I was replying to a blog post at Blog For a Cure. Once I thought about it, it's stuck in my head as a good reply to my youngest daughter because she constantly complains about being bored, and having nothing to do. I realize she's only (almost) 10, so it's kinda a deep thought to point out, but, really just being able to be here to have nothing to do...is a considerable amount of something that you have. It's gonna be my new motto, I think. I've always thought things could be worse, (of course I've had moments of feeling like things are horrible for myself, but I have had a rough time so I guess I can excuse those moments some) But there is always someone out there who is considerably worse off then you. ALWAYS. I may have Cancer, I may have this ugly, masty rash, and scars every where, but ya know, I'm here, I can walk, I can talk, I can eat...(which is a biggie, since I was told in January basically I was coming home to starve until I was gone) I am broke, since I havn't the energy to work, I am stuck at home with no vehicle since I am broke. But, I can reach out to others online, so I'm not totally alone. I'm still here, so that's a pretty damn good place to be.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Oh, What a beautiful morning...

What a lovely day, I have my bedroom window open, letting in some fresh air, and looking at the sun shining, listening to birds singing, It's gorgeous outside today, makes me want to just go outside and spin in the sun like a little kid...(and maybe, just maybe, after I catch up on lost sleep from last night, I might do just that LOL)  So yesterday, I made 64 mini cupcakes for our 4H meeting...and then Emily's other ewe had her baby finally, just one BIG baby boy, his name is Dean Martin (continuing with her classic film stars theme for her sheep names) , At some point today, I have to make  even more cupcakes because Selena has a class party tomorrow for St. Patrick's day so they have to take in green food and wear green, she has been excited for this party for weeks. I had bought her a new outfit last week just for the occassion, she had wanted a green tshirt with St Patricks day sayings on it, but instead I got her a plain white tshirt and a green and white striped skort so that it's something she can wear all spring/summer. She loved it! She got it out this weekend and hung it up in the closet to be ready to wear tomorrow, Silly kiddo lol.
 I really wanted to start a Relay for Life team here locally this year, but, it is the same day as a previous event for my kids, which stinks. But, my oldest daughter and I are thinking about doing it next year. She realllllllly wanted to do it this time, but there's not alot we can do about it. I recommend everyone participate or donate locally to Relay for Life, You can do so at http://www.cancer.org/ ,
So everyone get out there and kick some Cancer Butt!
I want to send  a big hug and healthy healing vibes to all my buddies at Blog for a Cure who are having surgeries, biopsies or testing done this week. And now, it's time for me to sign off and take a nap. Until next time~
I'm still here...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Dear Cellulitis

Dear Cellulitis,
I realize you're enjoying terrorizing my body at the moment, but, I'd really appreciate it if you'd pack your pus,blood and pain inducing swelling and get the hell out. You've been evicted, I am tired of popping pills, of trying to drain the ick out of various swellings on my stomach, I have things to do, life to live and the pain waking me at 4 am every day is impeding that process. So, honestly, just move on, find somewhere else to go. Evaporate already. 

~Til Tomorrow
I'm still here, irritated, sore and tired, but, Still Here!
Not much going on today, just chillin with my youngest daughter watching Charmed DVDs, staring at my bedroom, wanting to get it rearranged and cleaned, but really not wanting to do it right now.  Selena is laying her outfit out for Wednesday , think she might be a little excited for St. Patty's Day?  She is excited for that and her birthday on the 30th, do you know how long I've been hearing the countdown for that day? Since Christmas was just barely over! Yep, seriously.

I've added quite a few Blogs to watch over there ~~> all cancer bloggers, mostly Colon Cancer related.  March is Colon Cancer Awareness month by the way, so wear your blue, post it on your facebooks, twitters, and myspace pages, remind people to get a colonoscopy, and forget that age 50 thing for that. I am 37, I've fought it since I was 32, age means crap...literally in this case! (haha, but no seriously, get the word out!)

So, upcoming plans for this month? Selena and I are going to Red Lobster for her birthday to have lunch, then I dunno what else. Loads of 4H stuff, next weekend is Emily's musical, the weekend after is Share the Fun, we have fundraisers to work, I have tons of cupcakes to make. So March is definately a month where I do not have time for these chemo/cancer side effects and bs! So take that Colon cancer, kiss my ass. This Erbitux is some nasty stuff, I itch, I hurt, the acne rash on my face is wonderfully better, BUT the cellulitis/cysts/infection or what the hell ever it is from it on my gut, arm and legs is so so, some is better, some getting there, almost out of antibiotic though, and I have an appointment at the oncologist soon, but I can't find my card. Gotta look later in my coat pocket, I found the appt card for my Wound Care Dr. for the suture mishap from the stomach tube, that's on March 22nd @ 1 p.m.

My son saw my stomach this weekend, and was mortified, my daughters will sit here and help me with the drainage and TMI alert, ALOt of stuff can drain it's this pus/blood stuff that is really gross. Luckily not much of that left in most of them, I've done well at removing it. It's funny the difference, I think my son is the one maybe I need to worry about more, yet he's the one with the most 'other family' support when it comes time for that, I am hoping beyond hope that I don't have to worry about it for another decade, I've been reading alot of blogs from other Stage 4 Survivors that have been here 5-10 more years once they hit stage 4, and I am hoping that I am as fortunate to add that much more time to my shelf life, just to see them all graduate from high school at this point would satisfy me, well let's adjust that, see them all hit 18 or 19 and be able to take care of themselves or at least be able to start, so I won't worry so much about leaving them young and unable to do what they need to do, or get where they need to be, because make no mistake that is my BIGGEST fear. That they won't have the support they need to get through school, to go to college, to follow their dreams, I know they won't without me here, because I didn't have that, I graduated high school, but never had any encouragement to follow my dreams, hell to even have any dreams for that matter, it didn't exist from my family. My sister can tell you the same thing. College was no option, not even discussed, my brother was signed out of school in 9th grade, and there is a ton of other examples I can make of WHY I do not want them left in my family's hands. And there really is no one else. My only option, should I not get to push a decade, is to hope for my oldest to turn 18 and maybe have her be Selena's Guardian, but, is that fair to her. I want them together, that's my issue, so then my only other possibility is my son's father and stepmom, and I am unsure about that too. If my grandmother wasn't 87 and in the shape she is in, she would be my definate choice. Then there's my Uncle and Aunt, and that's a no, they can't. And that's the end of the list. How did I even get here on this topic? Wow, that was some random babbling huh? Guess it's just some of those things on my mind some days. One of these days, I'll have to start working on my final wishes, what I want to happen at the end, I just can't get there, I've thought about it, believe me, when I was in the hospital in Jauary, all I thought about was what do I want? Burial? Cremation? Funeral, Viewing, Wake? I don't know, I hate fire that is the only thing I think I established, so although I like the idea of my kids having my ashes to spread somewhere...( I thought Ireland to spread some and then they could do what they like with the rest) , I don't like the thought of burning, even in death, so that is likely a no go. I dunno, still have to think on that, when it becomes  more neccessary, I'll give it more thought again. It just seems so morbid, and I think deep down that if I don't get all my ducks in a row, that I can keep that inevitability from coming to be? Who knows why my brain works the way it does? Now I've rambled onto another uncomfortable subject, maybe I better leave this where it stands before I think myself into a mood that is not conducive to staying positive.
Til tomorrow~
I'm still here!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Random Venting...

So, I was just doing my 'new rountine' over on my favorite site- 'Blog for a Cure', which consists of checking all the new posts since the day before since I wake up at 4 am every morning now, it's become  my daily thing. I read them ALL and try to either comment on them or send a cancer punch to the person's cancer. Or just 'like' their post if I have nothing to say, one I read this morning, got me thinking about one of my own pet peeves in dealing with this damn Cancer and being a 'patient' again as opposed to just a 'survivor', I'm both I guess, but here's my irritation, why, Why. WHY do friends, family, and acquaintances expect the patient to be the one to hold their hand and make them feel better? Why is it MY job to call and talk to you every day? Maybe I'm tired today...maybe I'm having pain, maybe I just don't like talking on the freaking phone (me- I HATE talking on the phone), maybe I'm doing something I like doing and don't have time to waste coddling someone else, like for instance, I am NOT going to commiserate with you because you had a flippin wart frozen off your lip and they didn't give you narcotic pain meds, nor will I feel sorry for you that the dentist only prescribed Ibuprofen to you after pulling a tooth that wasn't even infected. Sorry, wrong person to come to for sympathy. I had 2 tension sutures dug out of my gut that had ate there way into my flesh due to crappy medical care a few weeks ago with NOTHING but a washcloth given to me to squeeze, bite, whatever...I've had numerous surgeries the last few years, I have a rash from chemo that is extremely painful just moving certain ways or if anything touches it in places, so NO, sorry, I don't think I can simper with you and say ohhh poor baby about your stupid freakin wart, try having a softball size tumor removed with part of your colon or a small basketball sized one removed  with an ovary along with all your female organs, hell try giving birth to 3 kids that each weighed over 9 lbs, then get back to me about your pain.

That crap irks me, there are people out there much worse off than ME, so I don't whine, bitch or moan much about my issues/pain/illness, I vent occassionally, but mostly it's a " woke up at 4 am  with an OUCH again, took meds, time to blah blah blah..." type update, or as part of my status on Facebook...so when someone who has NOTHING wrong with them, whines about every little fart they make, I get very annoyed. And when people expect me to make them feel better about my health issues? Um that one is annoying too, it's NOT the patient's job to console everyone else around them. MY KIDS, yes indeed, but the rest of y'all are on your own and capable of finding your own way to deal. So this brings me to the post I read this morning...Actually, I am not even sure this is a legit story, because I find it hard to fathom in this day and age  and having had the crappy medical mishaps I've personally had so many of myself, that there is ANY dr out there who does not tell a patient, but tells her parents and husband that she has 6-8 weeks to live. I'm sorry, I just don't see it, maybe I'm wrong, but I know that my dr's are always very informative, yes, mine had to be asked to give me a damn time limit, because he doesn't like to do that, but he did it when I asked, he is wrong... (  ;)   ) but he told me single digit months when I asked him in January. There's just so much about the person that I was reading about that sounds kinda ehh...like is this even legit? The person blogging the story is her 'best friend' of 25 years talking about this woman with intestinal cancer (I assume she has colorectal like I do) and how her parents and her husband are bickering in front of her in her hospital room, how her husband is making her not take her pain meds like she is supposed to (though from what she types- I'm not sure that may not be a good call as it seems they have her doped up to an incoherent state?) I don't know, I read her latest post from last night and it made me think something was weird, so I went and read all the posts from this person, it just made me wonder if this person's story was true. I hate to think people fake these things, but, the reality is, they do, it's sad and I wouldn't want the Karma they rack up...but I know it's a fact, because I have a brother, who every time I've gotten sick, had a set back, etc, has come up with some new malady he is dying of, it's been AIDS a few times, a lesion on his liver, a lesion on his brain, that was in December. Then this last time, he had a wart on his lip and swore it was a tumor to my mom, who FALLS for all this bs...His only malady, is that he is a self medicating (insert alcoholoc) bipolar manic depressive, who has always had all the attention on him, so when anyone else is garnering any from him for any reason, it's time to come up with something else. When my sister and I were pregnant and had our kids, when I've been sick, he always comes up with something. He tried to blame a brain lesion on his mood swings, sorry buddy, you were like that at birth, you were BORN bipolar, You have not had a brain tumor for 31 years  making you nutty. That's just YOU. Personally, I'm sick of it, and I don't mince words, like I've told him the past 2 days, don't whine at me about your pain, I don't want to hear it, you know NOTHING about real pain, nor do you need narcotics for every twinge. You're just trying to self medicate, grow up and get some help. I have no help for you. Nor do I have any tolerance. This is one of the things I am eliminating from my life, I don't HAVE to deal with your bullshit, and I'm not going to.

Well, got that out, and oddly enough, now I am having some pain in my back lol. Ah, well, it'll go away in a bit.
~Gwen

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I've become addicted to another site...

I really like   Blog For a Cure...for one, people are actually reading and responding to what I write...daily. It makes me feel like someone out there is listening, so I think that This blog will be saved for occasional vents and fluff posts about things  like news commentary. Maybe poetry or stories, recipes, things that don't matter so much. i will leave you for now with a copy paste of my last 2 days posts at blogforacure.com

Tuesday
This skin infection is on my nerves, The bad spot on the inside of my right elbow is getting better, but, the spot on my right breast and on my left knee now appear to be worse, though I had thought the knee was getting better. I probably should have called the Physician’s Asst today, but I really didn’t notice they were worse until I changed bandages this evening and realized that What I was seeing was not like damp skin, but actual infection pockets, my breast was really bad, it has made a huge hole, at least I got most of it out, I will call her tomorrow. Give the antibiotics another 12 hours, And they are looking better now that I worked on them myself tonight than they were. It just is frustrating because chemo was going so well, now I am concerned that I am going to have to cut it back once this clears. It’s like something keeps popping up this time to prevent me from getting adequete treatment. Anyway, pain meds kickin in…sleepytime. Night.

Wednesday
I woke up at 4 am this morning because I moved the wrong way and OUCH that one swollen area on my side from the cellulitis yelled at ME. So I took some pain meds at 5:30 am, fed the baby lamb, got my 2 girls up to get ready for school, and now that the meds kicked in , took a look at it and the swelling HAS gone down, so the antibiotics with the heating pad maybe they are working! That makes me much happier. And my stomach is growling so that’s good, the day before yesterday, I really had no desire to eat and that concerned me a bit. Especially since I felt mildly bloated too, which usually is a precurser to finding out I’m blocked again. I am pretty sure it was just Cancer Anxiety though, because everything seems to be in good working order. Everything is moving well and when it should. My arm still looks better, my knee is getting better, my breast? That one is bleh, but it IS better. I think it just looks so gross to me because of where it is and the skin is more tender/sensitive there.







I’ve been slacking on getting my website completely up and going, well it’s up and going, I just have slacked on getting the word out and finding members. Anyone have any ideas? I don’t want to advertise on other sites you see. It’s a free site, a support site with message boards for moms dealing with serious illnesses. I started it before I found this site because I thought it would be great for moms who are dealng with their illness and trying to parent. It kind of stemmed from my own confusion on what do I tell my kids now,and how issues that I’ve been having since January this year. Now, my kids have known about Cancer since before I was dx in 2005, because we used to do our local Relay for Life event with our first 4H group (the leader is a breast cancer survivor and another member is a thyroid cancer survivor), then I got dx and we participated the next year with me doing the survivor walk. I havn’t done it since. I think the luminaries stared to add up too much maybe? So they have the awareness, they’ve been through me being close to death several times now, the first time being with dx I was so sick they had to keep me 2 weeks in the hospital before they could even do surgery. Then the following year, I had the stroke…then I’ve had 2 seizures in front of them, then the cancer popped back up and I was sent to UVA twice, so they’ve dealt with alot of seperation from me already, and seen alot. But the dr telling me in January that I only have single digit months left to live and that I should make arrangements and let my kids know was a huge blow to me. How does one do that? What do you say? How do you even bring it up? Especially when you FEEL FINE? When there is nothing to indicate that you are sick except for the side effects from the chemo?






As it happened, a few weeks ago, my oldest daughter was hanging out with my youngest daughter and I in my room one night and she mentioned something about her friend’s grandfather who has/had cancer and how badly her friend sometimes treats him and I don’t remember what else, and I used that to bring up that when someone has cancer, you really never know, and I told them that the dr’s said I didn’t have alot of time left BUT that there was NO expiration date on my butt and that I felt fine and do NOT intend to go anywhere until I am ready, that they really don’t KNOW for sure when anyone is going to die, everyone is different. My oldest daughter cried, but, she pulled herself together and agreed with me, my youngest, had, alas, fallen asleep before I started talking and I don’t think heard a thing I said (figures), My son, I still havn’t talked to yet, I dread that one, He’s very worried about parents leaving, his dad has had a few health problems too and had a mild heart attack, so he worries alot anyway.LUCKILY, he has a great step mom, and I know she would move heaven and earth for that boy, and so would his other grandmother. That’s my main concern with my girls, my son has other people that I feel comfortable taking care of him when I am gone, my girls? Not so much.






I am ALL they have, their father is not involved.Never has been. I am not comfortable with my parents having control over their lives. My mom is a control freak among other things and I do not want her dictating their lives. Which is what is making me so determined to try to push through until they are all at least 18.That’s 8 more YEARS,not single digit months. So, I have some dr defying to do.


Now, off to go read some other blogs...
Night.
Gwen

Monday, March 8, 2010

It's Monday... And just wanted to share...

This fantabulous new site I found yesterday! Blogforacure.com ... I registered there, it's an entire community of cancer patients and/or caregivers/survivors blogging about cancer and it's effect on their lives. I will add a link to my favorite sites on here. I highly recommend it, they have it so you can find others with the same kind of cancer or the same stage, in the same state as you. Great idea!










Airmid's Cottage is slow to start, I am having problems getting members. I think it's a catch 22 situation, there are no members so no one wants to join thinking that no one will ever post. I did get the domain up and running yesterday though, airmidscottage.com . And the email addressis ready to go help@airmidscottage.com Remember the site is for moms dealing with ANY type of illness, not just cancer patients.









Now my question of the day...why is it that it's conveniently forgotten by some how the economy in this country got to where it is today after 8 years of ill spending, yet those same people expect it to be fixed in a year. I just don't get it. That and Healthcare reform, I keep seeing Republicans say the public doesn't want it, but everyone I know or have seen thinks it's a great idea and do want something done about it. I think they just don't want a bill passed that is now less than it started out to be. As an uninsured Cancer patient on Medicaid, who will NEVER be eligible for ANYTHING other than government provided healthcare, I can tell you it needs reforming. My insurance is provided by the state through Anthem Healthkeepers and let me tell you that SUCKS. I have to wait WEEKS for every single procedure and medication, prescription wound care supplies to be approved, which means I go Weeks WITHOUT things I need for my health, because I am too sick to work, which means I am too broke to buy things out of pocket...but i have, thanks to my tax refund from this past year, matter of fact over half of it has gone to pay for medications, ointments, creams, bloodwork and appts that they would not approve. IN FACT, I have a mediport and I have to have bloodwork before every treatment, it has to be done that morning. My insurance WILL NOT PAY fr my oncologist's lab to draw and process it, they want me to go to some random lab who does not draw from ports, sooooo my Oncologist's office is eating the cost of the bloodwork every week now and doing it anyway and not charging me. It's really beyind ridiculous, these people who make up all these red tape rules obviously have n clue about what is neccessary or important. Cancer Patients end up on alot of medication stemming from side effects caused by their treatment and the disease itself. Anti-nausea medication, pain medication, heartburn medication blood ressure medicine, all kinds of things to keep your body organs functioning normally because after a while things don't want to work right on their own. Ointmints for rashes, antibiotics for infections, steroids for inflamations, things you NEED daily, things that you can't wait for but when insurance takes 2 weeks to approve everything you end up waiting for and sometimes suffering because of it. So an overhaul of healthcare/insurance is VITAL. Oops got on a rant, gonna just leave this as it is for now.



~Gwen

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Long Day....

Long day...doing nothing, no, I take that back, I did get my bedroom unravelled some this evening. My youngest daughter has gone to her friend's house down the road until tomorrow, I think they were gonna go see Alice in Wonderland. I just realized that I forgot Foodie Friday yesterday, so here goes. Thursday I made a Pork Roast, which I threw in the pot with a cup of water, onion, carrots, and a ton of garlic cloves, then I put Grey Poupon on each side and spreads it around and salt and pepper, then towards the end I poured on a 'sauce' my 9 year old concoted out of worchester sauce, a little sugar, water and some caeser salad dressing... then I made mashed potatoes.Everything was delicious! This morning I made chipped beef gravy on biscuits for breakfast. This week I also made a carrot cake, I think tomorrow I am tackling the Irish Soda Bread finally! YUM. I still havn't decided what our yearly St. Patrick's day dinner will be, usually it's my Irish Stew, but I have so many new Irish recipes to try, I'm torn.
I will be making green cupcakes with green icing and green sprinkles for Selena's class party that day to fulfill the sending in something green to eat assignment...think they will be green enough? Change of topic, my infection on my arm looks much better already! I am so glad, that means that by the time my 2 weeks is up, I should be able to get right back into my chemo. Good! I'm hungry, But I doubt there is anything in the kitchen that I want. Rarely is. I am sitting here peeved that my Brit Coms are not on...blah, I so totally love watching those...Off topic again, I tend to use the view next blog feature at the top of the page, in doing that I ran across a blog called Hiccup, by another mom and cancer patient. From what I've read already she seems to be alot like me in her approach to this ordeal, She is very strong! It is listed on my blogs I follow to the right, take a looksie, I think you'll like it...So it's Saturday and I forgot what i was supposed to blog about on Saturdays...lol...random stuff I guess. Anyway, my highlight of the week, taking my girls to Camino Real for dinner Wednesday night and seeing my youngest daughter's face light up when I surprised her with her getting to do a sleepover at her best friend's house tonight.  My low points this week, the damn skin infection and that's about it.Be back...

Friday, March 5, 2010

Brief update...

Missed posting Friday...Went to Oncologist today, was supposed to see him, and have bloodwork and my next treatment in this cycle, but When I showed him my arm, everything skidded to a halt. I also had a minor fever (99ish/my normal is around 97) so I am on antibiotics for 2 weeks with no chemo to get this cleared up. Then we'll start again from there, we may have tgo decrease the Urbetux dosage if I can't tolerate it as it is without coninuing skin infection issues  (cellulitis) Anywho, that's where I am right now...on hold...and sleepy lol. Night all.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Thought I'd share my story, maybe it'll help just one person.

I realized that I havn't shared my story on here yet. So since I am waiting to fall asleep, I thought maybe I would This may end up in parts since I am on my 3rd go round here...or is it 4th? Anyway, no matter.
Let's go back to 2005, I'd been sick for a while, just not feeling well, a lot of stomach issues,severe stomach pain, headaches,  and I just felt like something was wrong, seriously wrong with me. Then around December 2004, my heart would just start racing out of nowhere...it scared the crap out of me. I'd been to the E.R. several times and sent home  with " there's nothing wrong, you're just a stressed out single mom" So by JAnuary 2005, I am scared to death, I have a gut feeling that I am dying, but no clue what is wrong with me. I end up in the ER due to severe stomach pain, the first dr did not want to do a CT scan because I had no insurance, my mom said she'd pay for it, so they send me to radiology, I am waiting for the results and that er dr goes home, next dr on duty, comes in, takes us over to see the CT scan and says to my mom and I (and this is verbatem) " you see that right there,that's a big turd, you're constipated, go home, take a laxative and you'll be fine" and he discharged me with some crap to drink to make me go to the bathroom. We go home, 2 days later I am so sick I can't egt out of bed, can't keep anything down, thankfully can't drink the laxative crap, I call my mom at work to take me back to ER, different dr that day, he looks at me very briefly, looks back at CT scan from 2 nights prior, calls GI dr and a surgeon and admits me asap. I was in the hospital 2 weeks before they could even do a colonoscopy or surgery. I was told I had stage 3 colon cancer. They called in an oncologist. I had a colectomy to remove a softball size tumor, and they also removed 11 lymph nodes near  that area for testing. Luckily it'd only spread to 3 of them. Once I healed from surgery, I started chemo. 3 days a week every other week for 6 months. I didn't get very sick, mainly tired and had joint and muscle pain, plus I couldn't touch or drink anything cold. My hair thinned a little, but I didn't lose much. I got it cut very short before chemo anyway, because I expected to lose it all by what the dr said.  SO let me tell you all the oopsies during this time, first the er dr was very out of line with what he said and very negligent in sending me home without doing more tests, then my surgeon stepped on my central line in my neck when he came in the room one day, tripped over it and pulled it so that it slipped the wrong way and had to be removed. (this one was in my neck-OUCH), then the port he put in he put it in incorrectly (placed the line under my collar bone) so it snapped off on my first day of treatment and shot through my heart and landed in my lung, making me have to go upstairs to radiology to have it fished out (through my groin)  and another port put in on the other side after they removed that one, then I had to go back to drs office for my treatment that day. Then once chemo was done, had that 2nd port removed, whoever it was that removed it that day, it had attached it self to my chest wall muscle, they ended up accidently leaving in a small piece of the catheter, so I ended up with MRSA, which I didn't find out until after I had a stroke driving home from work in JAnuary 2006, it was a blod clot of unknown origin, they said it could have been from my chemo drugs or from my surgery the previous January, they didn't know. Anyway I had to go to Winchester Rehab for several weeks after I got out of ICU for physical therapy and there is where I discovered I had MRSA. I still have some residual damage from the stroke, My left thumb, index finger and middle finger are a bit slow and don't always work right, I still have a crooked smile on my left. But it could be worse because I couldn't move my left arm/hand at all right after, in fact my hand was clenched shut. So...I get a few years of no cancer, but I do have 2 small seizures about 8 months apart in 2008/2009, the first happened while I was in line for hours with my kids and my son's father to see a wrestling show, so needless to say, I refused to get out of line or leave, besides both seizures were in my left arm/neck only and I was completely aware of everything the whole time, I was a little weak after but I persevered and stayed for the whole show, then went home and all was well, the second one happened one weekday morning while I was getting the kids breakfast ready before school, and I felt it coming, I told my oldest daughter that I was getting ready to have a seizure to come cut the sink off and walk me to the living room, where I sat down against the wall on the floor and told her to call 911 she did and by the time they got there, it was over, again it was my left arm/neck only.(arm seized up, neck got stuck to one side) went to er this time, saw a head dr, found out it was caused by the scar tissue misfiring. He recommended antiseizure meds, I said no way, not for 2 very minor seizures would I go on meds that if I forgot to take them could make it a more serious seizure issue. So I didn't, havn't had another one since. Summer of 2008, I was in a relationship for the first time since I'd had my youngest daughter, I'd had my tubes cut and burned after her, plus I'd had the chemo which would have had the same effect, but I started having all the symptoms and signs of pregnancy, I did some research discovered tubes can grow back...(yikes did not know that) so I thought I may be pregnant or have a tubal. Felt a knot in my upper gut, then started having severe stomach pain, ended up at er in fear of ruptured ectopic tube, nope...basketball size tumor on my ovary, IT was back!! my oncologist was called in, I was sent to UVA, had surgery again. (Complete Hysterectomy with appendix removed as well because it was inside out!) WHile I was there, they did a colonscopy before surgery, colon looked great, nothing there! So they tell me they've gotten it all again. My oncologist wants to do chemo anyway, I say okay, since the first go wasn't so bad, I agreed easily. Oh no, he used Fulfury? SOmething stronger, I was sooooo sick, I felt deep down that the chemo was gonna kill me, so what would be the point? I did 2 treatments and quit. then had my newest port removed because it was always painful? I don't know why....so I go about life, feeling pretty good, but tiring more than I used to, then summer 09 I have a ct, dr sees something on my liver, sends me for mri, still sees something, sends me for PET scan, which shows only a small spot on my liver. I go for biopsy, yep it's cancer, small area so i am again sent to UVA...I talk to surgeon, it's a small spot and located in a good area for a liver resection and while they are in there they were going to take my gall bladder too just because it made good sense. But when they go in, I guess they saw more spots, on my intestine, my diaphragm plus the one on my liver so they just closed me up and sent me home. 2 days after I get home, my incision comes unglued, so I spend the next 4 months waiting for it to heal so I can start chemo, because this chemo affects your skin and it's healing, it causes an acne like rash, yeah don't get me started, it's actually worse than acne. It's nasty. so I end up in hospital in JAnuary again because I was throwing up alot and weak, I thought I had a tummy virus, but nope, my intestines were blocked...anyway, I've posted about that so now y'all know the whole story. It's been a long haul, I've had alot of screw ups that really I should have been able to have something done about, but no...Anyway, here's my advice,,,LADIES- COLON CANCER IS NOT AN OLD MAN'S DISEASE, ANYONE CAN GET IT, IF YOU FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU DEMAND TESTS, DEMAND ANSWERS, YOU KNOW YOUR BODY BETTER THAN ANY DR. AND ALOT OF THEM DON'T LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT PATIENTS INTUITION CAN BE RIGHT, COLON CANCER IS MUCH MORE PREVALENT IN YOUNGER WOMEN THAN PEOPLE KNOW. I WAS 32 WHEN I WAS DIAGNOSED, I AM 37 NOW, AND STILL FIGHTING, I'M NOT SURE HOW MUCH LONGER I HAVE TO FIGHT, BUT I HAVE ALOT OF FIGHT LEFT IN ME.  Please, please, listen to your bodies.

Oh and please everyone remember there are alot of different types of cancer out there, it sometimes bothers me that only a select few get all the attention and fundraising done. I mean no ill will towards those programs, I just wish research and $$$$ raising and awareness would be a little more wide spread.
Good night, I think I might sleep now.
Gwen

Thursday Tidbits~

Really havn't accomplished much today. Slept and fed the lamb, that's about it! I've had a heating pad on this sore arm most of the day. It has helped a little, but just a little. I'll be glad to go to the dr tomorrow and hopefully they do something, so far, I have been getting the short end of the stick as far as appropriate care, it's almost like they feel I am gonna die anyway, so why bother taking care of things like infections, rashes, etc. At least that's how it makes me feel. Maybe I need to call the wellness center and see if I can get an appt with them because they do seem to pay attention better. It's almost time to feed the lamb again. Today is one of those days when Emily is gome from 7 am until after 10 pm so lamb duty is mine until then. She had school, then stays after for women's choir, then she'll go downtown to Subway for dinner, then to the middle school for musical rehersal which is from 6:30 pm - 10 pm...poor kid, then she'll come home and wait up til 11:30 pm to feed the lamb then she'll go to bed and get up tomorrow and do it all over again. Well, school and musical rehersal. I would never have been able to keep up when I was her age.

Now, onto something else...plans for Selena's birthday... We are going to go to Red Lobster for lunch, then I'm gonna take her for a mani/pedi...then on the weekend, I'm gonna take her and her best buddy to the mall to get best friends necklaces at Claire's and maybe for some Chinese...

Tomorrow is Chemo day, and it's gonna be a long one, I also have to see the dr. I'm not sure if I get a break for a bit or if they'll schedule another month of weekly chemo? I'd like to have a bredak to get this rash cleared up. I have afew places where it is veryyy, very painful, and I don't like popping pain meds like I do because the side effects are horrible, constipation, headaches if I don't take them...blah. I hate it.

I'll be back later- lamb time.
Back, after I fed the lamb, I threw a pork roast in the oven, probably should have done it earlier, but oh well. I'll share the recipe tomorrow if it turns out good. Why am I watching Desperate Housewives? I don't even like this show? Okay, Dr. Phil...oh, Nancy Grace is on here...can't wait to see what this is about.
I think I got all my sleep caught up on today. I feel pretty awake right now. Sore, but awake, lol just in time for my medicated snooze tomorrow, ( I get Benedryl in my port before my chemo, because it can cause a severe allergic reaction/hence my rash...)  Anyway...onto do other things...I've nothing witty to add.
Gwen

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Yep...2 posts in one day...how 'bout that?

Funny thing is, I really don't have much to say, lol, I just am groggy and in pain tonight and can't sleep, soooooo here I am. I actually took my girls out for dinner tonight at our local Mexican restaraunt...they are giving a part of all money they make tonight and tomorrow to my youngest daughter's school, so because it was for a decent cause, I got dressed to go do something besides go to a dr...lol. I do so love my jammies, I have, in fact, gone out in public in them on occasion. Now, though, I am feeling heartburn comin' on, so maybe not such a smooth move. Finally watching a Criminal Minds that I havn't seen before. I love that show.  I read 2 books over the weekend. Rhett Butler;s People and Scarlett, the sequel to Gone with The Wind...yep, it's a random night...I am trying to get Fearless Fifteen by Janet Evanovich next and whatever I havn't read of the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris, mind poof I think that is the author's name.I hate this chemo fog brain I have had for the past 5 years, it stinks.

I can't wait to go to the dr Friday, so maybe they can fix my dang arm, it hurts so much! I am hoping that this is not mrsa or something more serious than a particularly bad rash spot from the chemo, I have a heating pad on it right now, been doing hot compresses before like the other dr said, but it's just gotten worse. Thank goodness I still have pain meds...It does help a bit.

Let's see what next? Plans for tomorrow? Nope nada...maybe straighten my room some again, I never have enough energy to get it done it seems. Oh and work some more on Airmid's Cottage, I need to get the domain and website finished and link it gto the board, I never got past the domain registration today. AirmidsCottage.com is my new project, An online Sanctuary for support  and friendship and healing for moms dealing with serious or fatal illnesses. So that is my goal for tomorrow.  In case you havn't read it in my other blog posts, Airmid was the Celtic Goddess of healing...

Wacky Wednesday~Random ramblings and observations

So I've decided that I am going to try to make each day a theme on here, in honor of today, Wednesday, and because my brain is in random mode, I decided today is Wacky Wednesday. The rest of the week will be as follows;

Mysterious Monday- There are always alot of whys in my head, I'll use these days to ask myself questions for the week and try to find the answers...

Thought of the Day Tuesday- I'll post a random thought/quote of the day as pertains to what I'm chatting about...

Wacky Wednesday- as explained above

Tidbit Thursday- Just a bit of this and that.

Foodie Friday- What I've been cooking this week.

Sharing Saturday- I'll share what my kids are up to.

Simple Sunday- Just share simple things that made me smile through the week.

Of course this is a guideline, we all know that sometimes things don't go as we plan, and I will be posting other things on each day along with the topic of the day. So onto today, I am in zombie mode as I didn't sleep well or long last night. So far today has gone as follows- Awake at 5:45,up at 6, woke Selena to get ready for school, let dog out to pee, woke Emily for school, fed nutty little lamb lol, webt back upstairs, zoned out until 8 am, came downstairs, made me a yummmmmmmy breakfast (2 fried eggs, 5 slices very thin deli ham/ it equals about one real slice, and 3 biscuits with white pepper gravy) I was starving tis morning and that crap was good. Now I need to go clean the kitchen. Anyway, after I took my dishes to the kitchen, dog threw up in living room, blech, cleaned that up, and watched about 10 minutes of Jerry Springer, that's always good for entertainment and bringing up your pet peeves,which is what made me think of Wacky Wednesday, so my pet peeves for today, Liars, cheaters (these are always on the top of my pet peeve list) ,fake people. Dirty Dishes LOL...Messy kitchen....yep this is because for the second day in a row ours is and I am tired of being the only one to clean it up....Last night I watched The Biggest Loser, I think the way whatshisface stacked the deck was really messed up, and I am so glad the black team came back to win the weigh in, serves the blue team right for being so arrogant.

I don't even bother watching American Idol, it really stinks this year. Talen is sad.  And the judging ugh, I like Ellen and all, but she is tooooo nice, not every performance needs someone to hold the performers hand and lie to them, some of them are bad, and it needs to be said. When Simon leaves, it will end, because it will never be the same.

Sorry, pain meds kicking in, my brain is goin fuzzy...I'll add more later.
~Gwen

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Interrupted Sleep....

Ya know? You would think people would NOT wake up the one person in the house who needsall the healing sleep they can get and who rarely sleeps well either due to steroids or pain issues, but nahhhh, This is the second night I've been woken up, this time it was my daughter, to tell me how much the lamb ate and that she was going to bed. OoooooKay...I really didn't need to know that since she'd already said she was feeding the lamb, taking a shower and going to bed, sheesh. Anyway Tuesday's accomplishment's are something like this, I made an online sanctuary for moms who are dealing with serious illnesses. It is called Airmid's Cottage. Airmid was the Celtic Goddess of Healing.
Airmid's Cottage
Feel free to pass this link to any women/moms you know who may be interested. It's not just for moms with Cancer, it is for moms dealing with any illness. I think it will be a great place to find support from others facing similar issues...
My 2nd accomplishment Tuesday was making Selena's carrot cake, plus giving the lamb a bath, then myself lol.
On target for Wednesday? Making that darn Irish Soda Bread. Maybe I'll get there. Oh and UNinterrupted SLEEP.
Anyway, that's about all I have at the moment, my brain is on hiatus.
~Gwen

Monday, March 1, 2010

Bucket Lists, Dr's Appt's and more

I have a doctor's appt today at the wound care center so they can check on this hole in my gut the tension sutures made, but I am toooo tired to go, oh well, sucks for me, gotta do it anyway, will get dressed here in a minute or two. Onto...
Bucket Lists- anyone else have one? I only had one thing I wanted to do before I died that has always been the one thing- Go to Ireland. But I am gonna add a few to it- See all 3 kids graduate and get married, see my grandkids, and then go see Ireland.
That's about it right now, I may make carrot cake for Selena today and Irish Soda Bread for Emily if I get to it, we didn't yesterday by the time I got to go to the store to get my missing ingredients...did you know Cardomom is 10 bucks a bottle??? What is that stuff? The equivelent to Bronze? I know it's not gold equivelent, that's saffron lol.