Not much going on today, just chillin with my youngest daughter watching Charmed DVDs, staring at my bedroom, wanting to get it rearranged and cleaned, but really not wanting to do it right now.  Selena is laying her outfit out for Wednesday , think she might be a little excited for St. Patty's Day?  She is excited for that and her birthday on the 30th, do you know how long I've been hearing the countdown for that day? Since Christmas was just barely over! Yep, seriously.

I've added quite a few Blogs to watch over there ~~> all cancer bloggers, mostly Colon Cancer related.  March is Colon Cancer Awareness month by the way, so wear your blue, post it on your facebooks, twitters, and myspace pages, remind people to get a colonoscopy, and forget that age 50 thing for that. I am 37, I've fought it since I was 32, age means crap...literally in this case! (haha, but no seriously, get the word out!)

So, upcoming plans for this month? Selena and I are going to Red Lobster for her birthday to have lunch, then I dunno what else. Loads of 4H stuff, next weekend is Emily's musical, the weekend after is Share the Fun, we have fundraisers to work, I have tons of cupcakes to make. So March is definately a month where I do not have time for these chemo/cancer side effects and bs! So take that Colon cancer, kiss my ass. This Erbitux is some nasty stuff, I itch, I hurt, the acne rash on my face is wonderfully better, BUT the cellulitis/cysts/infection or what the hell ever it is from it on my gut, arm and legs is so so, some is better, some getting there, almost out of antibiotic though, and I have an appointment at the oncologist soon, but I can't find my card. Gotta look later in my coat pocket, I found the appt card for my Wound Care Dr. for the suture mishap from the stomach tube, that's on March 22nd @ 1 p.m.

My son saw my stomach this weekend, and was mortified, my daughters will sit here and help me with the drainage and TMI alert, ALOt of stuff can drain it's this pus/blood stuff that is really gross. Luckily not much of that left in most of them, I've done well at removing it. It's funny the difference, I think my son is the one maybe I need to worry about more, yet he's the one with the most 'other family' support when it comes time for that, I am hoping beyond hope that I don't have to worry about it for another decade, I've been reading alot of blogs from other Stage 4 Survivors that have been here 5-10 more years once they hit stage 4, and I am hoping that I am as fortunate to add that much more time to my shelf life, just to see them all graduate from high school at this point would satisfy me, well let's adjust that, see them all hit 18 or 19 and be able to take care of themselves or at least be able to start, so I won't worry so much about leaving them young and unable to do what they need to do, or get where they need to be, because make no mistake that is my BIGGEST fear. That they won't have the support they need to get through school, to go to college, to follow their dreams, I know they won't without me here, because I didn't have that, I graduated high school, but never had any encouragement to follow my dreams, hell to even have any dreams for that matter, it didn't exist from my family. My sister can tell you the same thing. College was no option, not even discussed, my brother was signed out of school in 9th grade, and there is a ton of other examples I can make of WHY I do not want them left in my family's hands. And there really is no one else. My only option, should I not get to push a decade, is to hope for my oldest to turn 18 and maybe have her be Selena's Guardian, but, is that fair to her. I want them together, that's my issue, so then my only other possibility is my son's father and stepmom, and I am unsure about that too. If my grandmother wasn't 87 and in the shape she is in, she would be my definate choice. Then there's my Uncle and Aunt, and that's a no, they can't. And that's the end of the list. How did I even get here on this topic? Wow, that was some random babbling huh? Guess it's just some of those things on my mind some days. One of these days, I'll have to start working on my final wishes, what I want to happen at the end, I just can't get there, I've thought about it, believe me, when I was in the hospital in Jauary, all I thought about was what do I want? Burial? Cremation? Funeral, Viewing, Wake? I don't know, I hate fire that is the only thing I think I established, so although I like the idea of my kids having my ashes to spread somewhere...( I thought Ireland to spread some and then they could do what they like with the rest) , I don't like the thought of burning, even in death, so that is likely a no go. I dunno, still have to think on that, when it becomes  more neccessary, I'll give it more thought again. It just seems so morbid, and I think deep down that if I don't get all my ducks in a row, that I can keep that inevitability from coming to be? Who knows why my brain works the way it does? Now I've rambled onto another uncomfortable subject, maybe I better leave this where it stands before I think myself into a mood that is not conducive to staying positive.
Til tomorrow~
I'm still here!