I've become addicted to another site...

I really like   Blog For a Cure...for one, people are actually reading and responding to what I write...daily. It makes me feel like someone out there is listening, so I think that This blog will be saved for occasional vents and fluff posts about things  like news commentary. Maybe poetry or stories, recipes, things that don't matter so much. i will leave you for now with a copy paste of my last 2 days posts at blogforacure.com

Tuesday
This skin infection is on my nerves, The bad spot on the inside of my right elbow is getting better, but, the spot on my right breast and on my left knee now appear to be worse, though I had thought the knee was getting better. I probably should have called the Physician’s Asst today, but I really didn’t notice they were worse until I changed bandages this evening and realized that What I was seeing was not like damp skin, but actual infection pockets, my breast was really bad, it has made a huge hole, at least I got most of it out, I will call her tomorrow. Give the antibiotics another 12 hours, And they are looking better now that I worked on them myself tonight than they were. It just is frustrating because chemo was going so well, now I am concerned that I am going to have to cut it back once this clears. It’s like something keeps popping up this time to prevent me from getting adequete treatment. Anyway, pain meds kickin in…sleepytime. Night.

Wednesday
I woke up at 4 am this morning because I moved the wrong way and OUCH that one swollen area on my side from the cellulitis yelled at ME. So I took some pain meds at 5:30 am, fed the baby lamb, got my 2 girls up to get ready for school, and now that the meds kicked in , took a look at it and the swelling HAS gone down, so the antibiotics with the heating pad maybe they are working! That makes me much happier. And my stomach is growling so that’s good, the day before yesterday, I really had no desire to eat and that concerned me a bit. Especially since I felt mildly bloated too, which usually is a precurser to finding out I’m blocked again. I am pretty sure it was just Cancer Anxiety though, because everything seems to be in good working order. Everything is moving well and when it should. My arm still looks better, my knee is getting better, my breast? That one is bleh, but it IS better. I think it just looks so gross to me because of where it is and the skin is more tender/sensitive there.







I’ve been slacking on getting my website completely up and going, well it’s up and going, I just have slacked on getting the word out and finding members. Anyone have any ideas? I don’t want to advertise on other sites you see. It’s a free site, a support site with message boards for moms dealing with serious illnesses. I started it before I found this site because I thought it would be great for moms who are dealng with their illness and trying to parent. It kind of stemmed from my own confusion on what do I tell my kids now,and how issues that I’ve been having since January this year. Now, my kids have known about Cancer since before I was dx in 2005, because we used to do our local Relay for Life event with our first 4H group (the leader is a breast cancer survivor and another member is a thyroid cancer survivor), then I got dx and we participated the next year with me doing the survivor walk. I havn’t done it since. I think the luminaries stared to add up too much maybe? So they have the awareness, they’ve been through me being close to death several times now, the first time being with dx I was so sick they had to keep me 2 weeks in the hospital before they could even do surgery. Then the following year, I had the stroke…then I’ve had 2 seizures in front of them, then the cancer popped back up and I was sent to UVA twice, so they’ve dealt with alot of seperation from me already, and seen alot. But the dr telling me in January that I only have single digit months left to live and that I should make arrangements and let my kids know was a huge blow to me. How does one do that? What do you say? How do you even bring it up? Especially when you FEEL FINE? When there is nothing to indicate that you are sick except for the side effects from the chemo?






As it happened, a few weeks ago, my oldest daughter was hanging out with my youngest daughter and I in my room one night and she mentioned something about her friend’s grandfather who has/had cancer and how badly her friend sometimes treats him and I don’t remember what else, and I used that to bring up that when someone has cancer, you really never know, and I told them that the dr’s said I didn’t have alot of time left BUT that there was NO expiration date on my butt and that I felt fine and do NOT intend to go anywhere until I am ready, that they really don’t KNOW for sure when anyone is going to die, everyone is different. My oldest daughter cried, but, she pulled herself together and agreed with me, my youngest, had, alas, fallen asleep before I started talking and I don’t think heard a thing I said (figures), My son, I still havn’t talked to yet, I dread that one, He’s very worried about parents leaving, his dad has had a few health problems too and had a mild heart attack, so he worries alot anyway.LUCKILY, he has a great step mom, and I know she would move heaven and earth for that boy, and so would his other grandmother. That’s my main concern with my girls, my son has other people that I feel comfortable taking care of him when I am gone, my girls? Not so much.






I am ALL they have, their father is not involved.Never has been. I am not comfortable with my parents having control over their lives. My mom is a control freak among other things and I do not want her dictating their lives. Which is what is making me so determined to try to push through until they are all at least 18.That’s 8 more YEARS,not single digit months. So, I have some dr defying to do.


Now, off to go read some other blogs...
Night.
Gwen